for that one person: thoughts of pain; of promises; of love; of betrayal; of hope...

i will never "kiss" someone I don't love; won't make confusion and problems as escape; worst, being drunk as a license to being weak. not even kindness, sympathy and understanding shown by a new "friend" during my vulnerable moments will succeed, for i know these are deeds done for concealed motives. you'll always be aware that if a person is too much for comfort. a friendly tap versus a romantic attempt. you know the difference. at the first sign of it, the least you could do is to spare a space-- discipline. you don't nurture forshadowed betrayal. how do you measure a break-up? do you rely on words said and anger felt during those trying moments? clearly this is equivocal and immeasurable. it maybe just saying "i'm tired" and "i'm done" with you for others. but for me it should be the time when you are smiling towards each other feeling fine that no one was denied of chances and treated unfairly. that points were proven based on facts, not on emotions. that all you feel is respect and gratitude that the road you have taken is directed to mutual happiness and not just of one. what's sorry for? for some, it's to comfort their conscience, or to free themselves from guilt. but would it matter when all you need is an action that indeed, that one person is really sorry-- beyond plain and simple acceptance. do you let pain overcome your willingness to save everything and be true to your promise? i won't. relationships do not rely on fortune, nor destiny. it's something you work on. you sacrifice for it because once you're in it, you don't condsider yourself an individual, but a complete person, pushing all limits to teach two hearts and minds resonate sonorously as one. ironically, it is as rare as a cliche. it's always said but almost everyone fails to achieve. the ultimate pain i had to accept is having to doubt what i thought was unquestionable, and knowing that it was true all along. still, these may not measure love absolutely nor box its essence, but a vivid identity of respect and strength of character. ask me if i fell out of love-- never. i will continue to feel the pain and be numb, hoping that one person will love me back until it hurst no more. :'(

i thought that ONE person is different. that's what i thought. amidst all these, i'm firm that i want that one person to be my last.

i was just trying to think out loud.

Of Who He Is...

He never enjoyed the feeling of desperation, I guess none of us will...

For someone who worries so much, about life... it was never simple and quiet. I could attest to the many roads he traveled, be it taken and the untaken. Not one single moment his weakness shown. Consistently determined to stand for his decisions and fit to whatever fate would endow.

He has been an inspiration to many. Known for his intelligence and talent. At the same time he was a threat to some. An enemy to defeat. But none of these can be absolute description of who and what he really is.

Living a life of minority in all aspects, it was a never-ending challenge to make ends meet. Everyday is a process of exploring what more can be done to change his fate, to further his being and reach his dreams.

He carries a profession by decision, nurtures a passion with hope and ambition; fulfills a heart fired with deviation and pushed to endless obligations. This is how he is...

Forgetful of himself and always remindful of what he knows needs to be done, takes every decision to heart. When he chose to trudge the unknown, he embraced the things he didn’t like. But through it, he was closer to fulfilling everyone’s needs, including his. Winning respect and taking hold of the front seat, thus complicating his youth with enormous unwritten deliverables. Beyond his control, mostly blow out of proportion, makes him quiver. Confused on what’s next to be done. Not liking his post but refuses to give in; would love to be free but willing to remain captive.

Melodies of the heart relieves his griefs. At his lowest he is lifted by his gift. Where he feels strongest... makes him real vulnerable; for he knows he has it but have not chanced upon that door to the other side, where he is home. Like a shooting star it seems that this corner of him is elusive and consistently assailed by forces beyond his might and will. Perceived to be numb, but reluctantly infectious.

He speaks... But always misunderstood; conscientiously weathering circumstances and willing to take the jump page. There seem to be few ears which can really listen and do it right. For someone as ardent as him, passion and conviction compromises assurance, of being known, of being accepted and of being loved...

He smiles... But insatiable, hollow, feisty at times. Through the million glows outline blurry stains of doubts and uncertainty. The sound of sonorous weeping overtakes his resounding laughter. Sacrifices a lot just to please the other, where much is given and nothing is expected to return. But seemed lacking and makes him weak. How stupid should he get to find himself embraced? Not so remote he would forget and let go--the feeling he’s more afraid of. He’s always independent and surviving, but gives him so much anxiety embracing life in mono.

Trying hard to keep the boundaries of what is enough, but the gates are crashing; helpless from the uncanny vigor of discomfort, of necessity, of responsibility, of scarcity, of insecurity, and beyond...

Vowed to rest his campaign up the pedestal. Crossing the Stygian paths with dignity. And look back, where everyone else nod in acquiesce... He made it. His life is an hour glass, brittle and rhythmically ticking to its last drop; tells him that none should be chanced in disdain; that one should not be bloviate in expression; that deeds should be guarded by discipline; and that his heart be in congruence with his mind.

Perhaps he knows nothing about desperation. Only a recognition of the transitory.

For Papa...

How I’d love to sing with my father again.

What Do I Really Want?

Much has been said about planning and managing one’s career. Not many weeks from now, a new generation of professionals will tote up to the working force. But how many of them would end up to their dream job? How many would aspire to go abroad? How many of them would gamble in a career shifts? —countless.

You see, looking for a job is easy, but for the right one… is an enormous challenge. Most of us would take into consideration the remuneration because it’s what would feed us. Some would aspire for rank; others would just want to work. But what is really a worthy choice?

A few months ago I ventured into a career shift. I’m an arts graduate now into banking and finance. Why? —because a big opportunity knocked just in time for my immediate pecuniary needs and obligations. I didn’t have so much time to choose then and now I could not turn back from the bond. We can’t have the finest of both worlds as they say. Some people may have been in their ideal jobs, getting ideal benefits since day one, but for those who don’t, I bet you have heard numerous rhetoric solicited advice and otherwise. Most would say just listen to your heart…

…And then I realize that my family needs money for survival, that after I lost my dad, I had to work hard to make ends meet. Can I just listen to my heart?
…It is vividly clear that good jobs are scarce in the country and we have rotting institutional systems, full of biases, prejudices and egotism. Can I just listen to my heart?
…That what you really wanted to do isn’t enough to provide even yourself the quality life that everyone’s after. Can I just listen to my heart?
…That my heart and mind would like to teach, share and learn more, but I simply can’t because I’m boxed. Can I just listen to my heart?
…That every night I reflect on the promises I’ve made for the country as a young leader and seems that I have gone far— far away from them. Now tell me to listen…

Even if in deep sadness I write, that life really does not go the way we want it or even if we plan it; I look at the skies, I still see clouds with silver lining. Failure may define my personal plans at the moment, but I’m just starting… still have a lifetime of chances to fulfill my goals.

“Now what do I really want? I want a life not just a career. A life that is not just focused on earning a living, but a life that values living.”

My OTP Diary

After Lunch Sentiments

You see, that no matter how you carefully scrutinize people, there will always be permeable personalities. Just like alcohol in the body, that even if we have protection, the molecules that would make us drunk can get through. I don’t know, I’m not a ‘science’ person so I really can’t explain the analogy technically. The feeling that you know you are safe, eventually you find yourself at the most vulnerable situation ever.
I have been mingling with different personalities for the longest time I could ever recapitulate, but up to now I have never mastered knowing who’s true or not! I wonder if anyone had. But what drives your so called friends become the monsters in your nightmares… should I answer this? Nah, I don’t have the perfect answers. But of course, I wouldn’t part without even a single theory. I can’t be too specific at this time because the persons I am talking about are limited in proxemics. I wouldn’t want to see myself in a world warlike ambience. I still have in mind a friend’s usual description to such people "a devil in an angel’s face’. Well a flattering statement still because of the angel metaphor. Subjects I’m talking about are really devils in appearance… (bitchy!)
I admit that I’m sometimes bitchy. (Well some parts of me are—jam) But I have never tried creating varied personalities just to fit in. I am not a pleaser by nature maybe that’s the reason why I get plenty of detractors… but I can say that people who really look ‘into’ me could attest to how I really am as a friend, and as a person for that matter. When I speak, I can stand for it and I don’t sugar coat for conformity or to please, otherwise for civility. Its only now I had the chance to let loose… but the thin line between insecurity and ambition is becoming more vague. Relationships fail when people around you makes your world smaller and act like they are watchdogs for someone. For a moment I realized that ‘they’ should not bite the hands that feed them. Apparently, I am not ready to blind myself for a non-deserving personality. I just hope that people who are like ‘them’ would not feel too good about themselves, because their color is just as black as what they really have—nothing. I may be speaking on a broad perspective but I believe these thoughts should be expressed in this manner for now. Such situation is ephemeral, technically and philosophically. I would still smile when that time comes; ‘what comes around goes around’.
Presently I have so much in mind that confuses me a lot, I have so much energy to wear out, abundant idealism to burn up, much youth to abuse and so on… I know what I can do and that makes me more anxious to choose. Admittedly, some would raise their brows with prejudice but anything innate would exude in time without even trying. We’ll see who has the last laugh! Har! Har! Har!

"life is a winding road and i learned many things little ones should'nt know... as i close my eyes, steadied my feet on the ground, raised my head to the sky.. and as clouds roll by... still i feel like a child when i look at the moon... maybe i grew up a little too soon..."